The Football Dumb.

I await football season kind of how weirdos await the new Twilight book, how geeks await an anime convention, how middle aged women await the new fall line at C.J. Banks, and how the Emergent Church awaits a new Rob Bell/Brian McClaren/Doug Pagitt book. My heart beats, my palms sweat, my knees shake, my tail wags, and I bark. Apparently, when I'm excited I turn into some odd mixture of half man half cocker spaniel.

Weird?

Yes. Very.

The arrival of football season not only brings excitement to my heart, but also awakens the football dumb from six months of slumber. You may have seen them or may have even heard them talk, albeit most certainly uniformed and illogical. They're not hard to spot either. They travel in packs, are loud, are usually drunk, and are guys that played football in high school who think they were better than what they actually were.

I attended the Bear game this past week at Lambeau Field where, to my annoyance, I sat in front of THE TWO DUMBEST football fans on the face of God's green earth. After every play verbal football vomit spewed forth from their alcohol scented mouths. My head almost exploded. They misidentified plays, players, penalties, formations, and talked about the good ole glory days of when they used to play. After a while it turned comedic and I actually enjoyed listening to the two of them and their incoherent football commentary.

These fans also love to comment that the bigger, faster, stronger, and more athletic players of today are somehow worse than the smaller, slower, weaker, and whiter players of yester year.

This needs to stop.

If I hear another Butkus to Urlacher comparison I'm going to jump off of a cliff. Just because Butkus played dirty and played through injury doesn't make him better than Brian Urlacher. Drop a young Dick Butkus into the Bears defense now (the cover 2) and see if he'd be able to cover receivers (that run a 4.4 forty yard dash) in open space. It wouldn't happen. So, please stop it with these comparisons. Please. I beg you. Please. Make it stop. Please.

Now, by no means am I the most intellectual football fan to ever sit and scream at my television screen. Do I misidentify plays, players, penalties, and formations sometimes? Yes. But, I'm not arrogant and act like I'm football omniscient like the football dumb are. Their football pride needs to come to a fall, and quick because they're getting annoying... already.

David danced, why shouldn't we?

Is it just me, or did the summer fly by? It seems like yesterday I was attending my cousin's funeral, uh, I mean, wedding in May and having a water fight with the youth group in June. Summer was a blast and brought us (the youth group) many highlights in addition to our massive water fight. The big highlight was on August 8th when the we went to Davenport, IA for the Rock the River Tour. We not only got to hear some great music, but got to see and hear Franklin Graham preach. It was truly a privilege to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ proclaimed to thousands and thousands of people. The Holy Spirit moved in that place, and moved in the hearts of my teens. A couple of them even rededicate their lives to Christ.

And to that, I say, "hallelujah"!

Think of the joy that accelerated through these two kids hearts when they rededicated their lives to Jesus! They experienced a rejuvenated sense of passion for their savior that probably made them want to dance. And not like Kevin Bacon in Footloose,

but more like that of King David in 2nd Samuel chapter 6.

You may remember that story. David was exuberant beyond measure because the Ark of the Lord had been brought from the house of Obed-Edom to Jerusalem. And as the Ark of the Lord entered the City of David, he (David) was seen leaping and dancing before the Lord.

David's joy couldn't be constrained.

His wife was appalled with the way he presented himself, but David said to her, "I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes." I think the only way he would've "become even more undignified" was if he adorned himself in '70s garb, broke out a disco ball, and threw on "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.

David's effervescence is a perfect archetype of how we should worship God in our lives.

Just think of all the amazing things He has done for you. Think of how much grace He has showered upon you. Think of how much mercy He has provided for you (they're new every morning). Think of how much love He has shown you. Think of what He has sacrificed for you.

So, where's your joy level? Reflecting upon God's spiritual blessings in your life should make you jubilant, not a Debbie Downer.

It's okay to be joyful, it's okay to have a merry heart, and it's okay to parade both your joy and your merry heart. Just make sure you work on your dance moves.

Things I abhor

I'm gonna be honest, I hate stuff. I know, I know, it's not right to hate. But who's to say I can't hate stuff? It's not like the things I hate have feelings, or anything. And as a Christian, I know that it's my job to carry the banner of Love. And for the most part, I do. I love God. I love people (It's hard, but I do it.). I love reading God's Word. I love drinking water. I love bananas (I think I mentioned this in my last blog.). I love indie/alt. music (why would you assume any different? I'm in my early to mid 20's. It's like a rule or something for me to enjoy music that's off the beaten path.). So, I love stuff. Yay!

But let's get down to the niddy gritty, shall we? What are the things I absolutely and utterly disdain?

Well, I thought I'd never ask myself. So, in no particular order, here are some of the things I hate:

Country Music- It can't get much worse than a rootin' tootin' song about your girlfriend (who is also your sister) sleeping with your best friend (who just so happens to be your older brother).

The Houston Airport- Could their concourses be any farther away from each other? Gees. What the crap? I felt like I was Forest Gump running across the good 'ole U.S. of A. Brutal. Absolutely brutal.

Cubs Fans- I am a Cub fan, but boy do I hate the Wrigley faithful. Baseball dumb from their head down to their toes. And If I hear another Cub fan say that Ron Santo needs to be in the Hall of Fame, I'm going to shoot myself. There's a reason he's not in the Hall of Fame: He wasn't good enough.

The feeling you get right before you blow chunks- Do I even need to explain this? The fact that something is about to protrude from your insides is sick nasty. But once it's out, it's a pretty good feeling.

Crocs- These seem to be every body's favorite fake shoe of the past three years. When I see humans wearing these I see it as injustice. I'm okay with people over the age of 40 wearing them because well, let's be honest, who do they need to impress? But if you're under the age of 40, do yourself a favor and burn your Crocs into a giant pile of melted plastic.

The "coexist" bumper sticker- We are coexisting! What brainless Unitarian created this?

The over categorization of music genres- If I were to explain this my head might explode. There are waaaaay too many "cores" out there for me to keep track of: grindcore, metalcore, hardcore, post hardcore, happycore, sadcore... and the list goes on and on. If anybody out there knows the man in charge of creating such ridiculousness, please tell him to stop. It's getting out of control.

Cars with really big rims- Not only are the rims obnoxiously obnoxious, but the paint schemes are as well. These cars not only shout out for attention; they also yell, "who needs drugs!?"

When text lingo is used in normal conversation- Speak English please.

Rachel McAdams movies- This, of course, is a joke. Rachel, you know I'm just joking. You know I love me some you.

ESPN- I can't stand the boo-ya's and their east coast bias. If I could get through a highlight without a witty remark or a snazzy catch phrase I'd throw a parade. Just give me the friggin highlights please!!

If you love these things, I still love you.

My career as a myspacer is over.

Sometimes epiphanies spring forth through the darkness of thought. I've been privileged to have maybe one or two of these in my life time. OK, maybe I've only ever had one, but who's counting?!? But the one I had was beyond comprehension.

Allow me to share it with you:

I'm not a teenage girl.

Now, before you go ape crap on your computer screen out of pure hysteria, let me explain myself. As it turns out, I'm a 24 year old water drinkin', banana eatin', Bible readin', Sufjan Stevens listenin', Levi wearin', '93 Honda Accord drivin' dude that enjoys a cowboy snap shirt here and there. So, when discovering who I am, it should come as no surprise to you that this epiphany came as a shock to me, or did it? My life isn't consumed with purses, hearts, being emotionally unbalanced, shopping at the "alternative" clothing store Hot Topic, shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch, watching The Hills, daydreaming about Nick Jonas, reading Teen Vogue, using text lingo when I shouldn't, drooling over Zack Efron (I was able to find a Teen Vogue with Zack Efron on the cover. Does this score me extra blogger points??), listening to 97 ZOK, and posting self portraits of myself on myspace.

So, I guess when you sit back and compare my life to that of a teen aged girl, my epiphany wasn't really a divine manifestation at all. But more of a wake up call to a glaring flaw in my own life.

It was during this wake up call that I realized that I needed to delete my myspace page.

And who was I kidding?!? I didn't need a wake up call to know this!! My slothfulness was just delaying the inevitable termination of my once favorite networking web site. And truth be told, another networking site had stolen my heart! It almost felt like I was cheating on a long time girlfriend with a hot new seductress or something. And who could blame me? The new dame was classier, better looking, more professional, more fun to be around, and she already knew all of my friends!!!

Happy with my new found "relationship", I knew I had to cut all ties with my old one. This, to be honest, was hard to do. Each time I'd go to cancel, I'd be remembered of the good times we had shared: the blogs, the witty about me's, the comments, the pictures, and the videos. Oh, such blissful moments, but they needed to be terminated. And they needed to be forgotten. So, on that damp dreary day on March 2009, I conjured up enough fortitude to correct one of my numerous life problems.

I deleted my myspace page.

Thus deleting any lingering associations I may have had with the teenage girl population. This, my friends, was a joyous occasion.

But I live in fear that my new networking lover is going down the same path that my ex lover dared to trod. With every new quiz, mafia invite, knighthood request, and overly romantic status update (You've seen these, and they've probably made you blow chunks.) my love for her dissipates. Will I ever be able to escape the annoyance of teeniedom??

So, as I live day to day and await the arrival of mind blowing revelations, you'll be able to find me caught up in the hysteria of social networking and living in complete harmony with the teen aged girl population.

The misconceptions of my youth.

When I was young whipper snapper I lived in a dream world filled with toy trucks, dirty feet, odd colored basketballs, and cocker spaniels. It was in this dream world that I conjured up my scewed view of reality, and how I thought the world operated. I didn't know any better. I was naive, but who isn't at the archaic age of 6? I was also what some would call a "latch key kid". And to be honest, there was nothing "latch key" about it. I seriously roamed about aimlessly. I should've gotten kidnapped or something. But it was during these alone times my world view took shape and molded me into who I was as a child.

And boy was I a weirdo.

Looking back at it I had some misconceptions.

So, in the spirit of mockery, lets take a stroll down naivety lane and discover the deluded thoughts of young Jeff. Shall we???

Misconception # 1: I thought I was destined to be an NBA superstar.
I think I can blame this one on my parents. They bought me one of those tiny tike's break away basketball hoops when I was like 6, and boy did I love the thing. Imaginary defenders had no chance at guarding me. With every swish and two handed jam I thought I was well on my way to being MJ's wing man (move over Scottie). My two handed jumper was smooth as silk, and my post moves were something Mikan only dreamed of. I was dominate. Or at least I thought.

This dream was shattered when I realized I was: 1. White. 2. Short. 3. Had the shooting form of girl that played high school basketball. Seriously, I shot with two hands. John Wooden would've slapped my mom if he would've seen my form.

Misconception #2: I thought if robbers broke into my house, and saw me sleeping they wouldn't murder me.

For some reason I thought robbers were courteous.

Misconception #3: I thought everyone was a Republican.
I grew up in Stillman Valley until the age of 11. If a Democrat has ever lived in Stillman I'm sure he's been lynched or something. Plus, I went to a Baptist church. Ever met a Baptist that's a Democrat, besides Rudy (Berean people will know who this is.)? I lived in a conservative world, surrounded by conservative people, who voted Republican. Need I say more?

Misconception #4: I thought if you drove through downtown Rockford you'd get murdered.

Actually, I still think this.

Misconception #5: I thought if you didn't have money a check could be written to solve all of your monetary problems.
For some reason I thought that a check was a magical piece of paper that could trump poverty and deficit. I eventually figured out that if you don't got it, don't spend it. Can someone tell our government this?


Misconception #6. I thought tight rolling your jeans was cool.
I grew up with an older brother (as seen in the picture to the right.) being one of my biggest influences. This created a major conundrum.

The question was this: How could I be like my older brother?

The possible answers: 1. Have a crap ton of girlfriends. 2. Tight roll my pants.

For some reason I chose #2. I kept the fad alive until 4th grade. I can only hope kids made fun of me for it.



Oh, to be young again....