Friday, September 18, 2009

The Football Dumb.

I await football season kind of how weirdos await the new Twilight book, how geeks await an anime convention, how middle aged women await the new fall line at C.J. Banks, and how the Emergent Church awaits a new Rob Bell/Brian McClaren/Doug Pagitt book. My heart beats, my palms sweat, my knees shake, my tail wags, and I bark. Apparently, when I'm excited I turn into some odd mixture of half man half cocker spaniel.


Yes. Very.

The arrival of football season not only brings excitement to my heart, but also awakens the football dumb from six months of slumber. You may have seen them or may have even heard them talk, albeit most certainly uniformed and illogical. They're not hard to spot either. They travel in packs, are loud, are usually drunk, and are guys that played football in high school who think they were better than what they actually were.

I attended the Bear game this past week at Lambeau Field where, to my annoyance, I sat in front of THE TWO DUMBEST football fans on the face of God's green earth. After every play verbal football vomit spewed forth from their alcohol scented mouths. My head almost exploded. They misidentified plays, players, penalties, formations, and talked about the good ole glory days of when they used to play. After a while it turned comedic and I actually enjoyed listening to the two of them and their incoherent football commentary.

These fans also love to comment that the bigger, faster, stronger, and more athletic players of today are somehow worse than the smaller, slower, weaker, and whiter players of yester year.

This needs to stop.

If I hear another Butkus to Urlacher comparison I'm going to jump off of a cliff. Just because Butkus played dirty and played through injury doesn't make him better than Brian Urlacher. Drop a young Dick Butkus into the Bears defense now (the cover 2) and see if he'd be able to cover receivers (that run a 4.4 forty yard dash) in open space. It wouldn't happen. So, please stop it with these comparisons. Please. I beg you. Please. Make it stop. Please.

Now, by no means am I the most intellectual football fan to ever sit and scream at my television screen. Do I misidentify plays, players, penalties, and formations sometimes? Yes. But, I'm not arrogant and act like I'm football omniscient like the football dumb are. Their football pride needs to come to a fall, and quick because they're getting annoying... already.