Things I abhor

I'm gonna be honest, I hate stuff. I know, I know, it's not right to hate. But who's to say I can't hate stuff? It's not like the things I hate have feelings, or anything. And as a Christian, I know that it's my job to carry the banner of Love. And for the most part, I do. I love God. I love people (It's hard, but I do it.). I love reading God's Word. I love drinking water. I love bananas (I think I mentioned this in my last blog.). I love indie/alt. music (why would you assume any different? I'm in my early to mid 20's. It's like a rule or something for me to enjoy music that's off the beaten path.). So, I love stuff. Yay!

But let's get down to the niddy gritty, shall we? What are the things I absolutely and utterly disdain?

Well, I thought I'd never ask myself. So, in no particular order, here are some of the things I hate:

Country Music- It can't get much worse than a rootin' tootin' song about your girlfriend (who is also your sister) sleeping with your best friend (who just so happens to be your older brother).

The Houston Airport- Could their concourses be any farther away from each other? Gees. What the crap? I felt like I was Forest Gump running across the good 'ole U.S. of A. Brutal. Absolutely brutal.

Cubs Fans- I am a Cub fan, but boy do I hate the Wrigley faithful. Baseball dumb from their head down to their toes. And If I hear another Cub fan say that Ron Santo needs to be in the Hall of Fame, I'm going to shoot myself. There's a reason he's not in the Hall of Fame: He wasn't good enough.

The feeling you get right before you blow chunks- Do I even need to explain this? The fact that something is about to protrude from your insides is sick nasty. But once it's out, it's a pretty good feeling.

Crocs- These seem to be every body's favorite fake shoe of the past three years. When I see humans wearing these I see it as injustice. I'm okay with people over the age of 40 wearing them because well, let's be honest, who do they need to impress? But if you're under the age of 40, do yourself a favor and burn your Crocs into a giant pile of melted plastic.

The "coexist" bumper sticker- We are coexisting! What brainless Unitarian created this?

The over categorization of music genres- If I were to explain this my head might explode. There are waaaaay too many "cores" out there for me to keep track of: grindcore, metalcore, hardcore, post hardcore, happycore, sadcore... and the list goes on and on. If anybody out there knows the man in charge of creating such ridiculousness, please tell him to stop. It's getting out of control.

Cars with really big rims- Not only are the rims obnoxiously obnoxious, but the paint schemes are as well. These cars not only shout out for attention; they also yell, "who needs drugs!?"

When text lingo is used in normal conversation- Speak English please.

Rachel McAdams movies- This, of course, is a joke. Rachel, you know I'm just joking. You know I love me some you.

ESPN- I can't stand the boo-ya's and their east coast bias. If I could get through a highlight without a witty remark or a snazzy catch phrase I'd throw a parade. Just give me the friggin highlights please!!

If you love these things, I still love you.

My career as a myspacer is over.

Sometimes epiphanies spring forth through the darkness of thought. I've been privileged to have maybe one or two of these in my life time. OK, maybe I've only ever had one, but who's counting?!? But the one I had was beyond comprehension.

Allow me to share it with you:

I'm not a teenage girl.

Now, before you go ape crap on your computer screen out of pure hysteria, let me explain myself. As it turns out, I'm a 24 year old water drinkin', banana eatin', Bible readin', Sufjan Stevens listenin', Levi wearin', '93 Honda Accord drivin' dude that enjoys a cowboy snap shirt here and there. So, when discovering who I am, it should come as no surprise to you that this epiphany came as a shock to me, or did it? My life isn't consumed with purses, hearts, being emotionally unbalanced, shopping at the "alternative" clothing store Hot Topic, shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch, watching The Hills, daydreaming about Nick Jonas, reading Teen Vogue, using text lingo when I shouldn't, drooling over Zack Efron (I was able to find a Teen Vogue with Zack Efron on the cover. Does this score me extra blogger points??), listening to 97 ZOK, and posting self portraits of myself on myspace.

So, I guess when you sit back and compare my life to that of a teen aged girl, my epiphany wasn't really a divine manifestation at all. But more of a wake up call to a glaring flaw in my own life.

It was during this wake up call that I realized that I needed to delete my myspace page.

And who was I kidding?!? I didn't need a wake up call to know this!! My slothfulness was just delaying the inevitable termination of my once favorite networking web site. And truth be told, another networking site had stolen my heart! It almost felt like I was cheating on a long time girlfriend with a hot new seductress or something. And who could blame me? The new dame was classier, better looking, more professional, more fun to be around, and she already knew all of my friends!!!

Happy with my new found "relationship", I knew I had to cut all ties with my old one. This, to be honest, was hard to do. Each time I'd go to cancel, I'd be remembered of the good times we had shared: the blogs, the witty about me's, the comments, the pictures, and the videos. Oh, such blissful moments, but they needed to be terminated. And they needed to be forgotten. So, on that damp dreary day on March 2009, I conjured up enough fortitude to correct one of my numerous life problems.

I deleted my myspace page.

Thus deleting any lingering associations I may have had with the teenage girl population. This, my friends, was a joyous occasion.

But I live in fear that my new networking lover is going down the same path that my ex lover dared to trod. With every new quiz, mafia invite, knighthood request, and overly romantic status update (You've seen these, and they've probably made you blow chunks.) my love for her dissipates. Will I ever be able to escape the annoyance of teeniedom??

So, as I live day to day and await the arrival of mind blowing revelations, you'll be able to find me caught up in the hysteria of social networking and living in complete harmony with the teen aged girl population.

The misconceptions of my youth.

When I was young whipper snapper I lived in a dream world filled with toy trucks, dirty feet, odd colored basketballs, and cocker spaniels. It was in this dream world that I conjured up my scewed view of reality, and how I thought the world operated. I didn't know any better. I was naive, but who isn't at the archaic age of 6? I was also what some would call a "latch key kid". And to be honest, there was nothing "latch key" about it. I seriously roamed about aimlessly. I should've gotten kidnapped or something. But it was during these alone times my world view took shape and molded me into who I was as a child.

And boy was I a weirdo.

Looking back at it I had some misconceptions.

So, in the spirit of mockery, lets take a stroll down naivety lane and discover the deluded thoughts of young Jeff. Shall we???

Misconception # 1: I thought I was destined to be an NBA superstar.
I think I can blame this one on my parents. They bought me one of those tiny tike's break away basketball hoops when I was like 6, and boy did I love the thing. Imaginary defenders had no chance at guarding me. With every swish and two handed jam I thought I was well on my way to being MJ's wing man (move over Scottie). My two handed jumper was smooth as silk, and my post moves were something Mikan only dreamed of. I was dominate. Or at least I thought.

This dream was shattered when I realized I was: 1. White. 2. Short. 3. Had the shooting form of girl that played high school basketball. Seriously, I shot with two hands. John Wooden would've slapped my mom if he would've seen my form.

Misconception #2: I thought if robbers broke into my house, and saw me sleeping they wouldn't murder me.

For some reason I thought robbers were courteous.

Misconception #3: I thought everyone was a Republican.
I grew up in Stillman Valley until the age of 11. If a Democrat has ever lived in Stillman I'm sure he's been lynched or something. Plus, I went to a Baptist church. Ever met a Baptist that's a Democrat, besides Rudy (Berean people will know who this is.)? I lived in a conservative world, surrounded by conservative people, who voted Republican. Need I say more?

Misconception #4: I thought if you drove through downtown Rockford you'd get murdered.

Actually, I still think this.

Misconception #5: I thought if you didn't have money a check could be written to solve all of your monetary problems.
For some reason I thought that a check was a magical piece of paper that could trump poverty and deficit. I eventually figured out that if you don't got it, don't spend it. Can someone tell our government this?


Misconception #6. I thought tight rolling your jeans was cool.
I grew up with an older brother (as seen in the picture to the right.) being one of my biggest influences. This created a major conundrum.

The question was this: How could I be like my older brother?

The possible answers: 1. Have a crap ton of girlfriends. 2. Tight roll my pants.

For some reason I chose #2. I kept the fad alive until 4th grade. I can only hope kids made fun of me for it.



Oh, to be young again....